Louis Bodnar

The FOUR of One, Two, Three, Four of Human Relationships

So, we’ve saved the best for last — the 4 of 4LIFE!!!! But first, here’s our “Blueprint of 4LIFE” again from the last post on this subject to guide my readers, here is “4LIFE Simplified”:

One – Self
Two – The two and only important things on this planet: survival and the quest for emotional intimacy.
Three – “How to” have emotional intimacy with another: commonality, sharing, and LOVE.
Four – The four-part definition of Love!


4LIFE TheoryLastly, the 4 in “4LIFE” is the four-part definition of true and real love between two individuals and is applicable to all relationships from nodding acquaintances, to friends, to boyfriends and girlfriends, to husbands and wives – all human relationships between two individuals – and consists of: (1) passion, (2) tenderness, (3) commitment over time and the cornerstone of love, (4) self-love. As it’s been said, one cannot love another if one does not love oneself.

At this point, I would point out that all four are intangible “feelings” that we individuals have in our hearts, mind, and soul, especially feelings of passion and tenderness!

So here we go…and in our world ROW, Rest Of World, I call it, that’s all about “drugs, sex, rock & roll, and cell-phones” (some call them “smartphones,” but are they that really?) all of which are addictions or “enslavements,” and they are sometimes even called neurosis, layers of evil, or just plain EVIL – So, let’s de-emphasize all that and start the 4 of 4LIFE, out of order, with:

(2) Tenderness

There is tenderness, a feeling to and about another human being, accepting the other person’s humanity, that they are human, that they have the same bodily functions, that they go to the bathroom, pass gas, blow their noses, and pick their noses sometimes when no one is looking, stink and have body odor, bad breath, have good days and bad days, mood swings, get tired, impatient and frustrated, hurt, and angry, just because just like one, the other is human! They are both just fallible human beings!

Examples of that feeling of tenderness toward another human being abound: when your wife is hurting or crying, taking her into your arms and holding her tight, or taking her sweet face in your hands and wiping the tears from her eyes. Listening to each other without distraction, worrying about the other, missing the other when they’re away.

Compassion is sometimes an expression of tenderness toward another human being or even an animal, a puppy dog that’s been hurt, or a bird…then there is…

(3) Commitment Over Time

Commitment over time is the tie that binds, the “till death do us part” in Christian marriage wows, and the “forever and always” of Christian marriage.

In today’s environment, in ROW, there is a predominance of fleeting hookups, one-night stands, and even in committed relationships, when the going gets tough, and work is required, it’s easier to end and go “wing-walking” on to other new relationships when the ugliness of promiscuity, pornography, and infidelity rears their ugly heads.

(I’ll reserve “wing-walking” for another day’s conversation!) The “till death do us part” in the Christian marriage vows should be finished by the saying “then together as one in paradise,” but is not, most unfortunately for our crumbling human condition.

(1) Passion

Back in order, then there is PASSION! Passion is much, much more than sex! In ROW, passion is usually equal to sex. As is intimacy is thought to be equal to sex as well. Let’s define both passion and intimacy.

Passion is most often used in the story of The Passion of Jesus Christ and is the story of Jesus Christ’s arrest, trial, and suffering, at the hands of ROW, and ends with His execution by crucifixion and His Resurrection. The Passion is an episode in the longer story of the Resurrection!

The word passion comes from the Latin word for suffering! Passion is the feeling of respect, pride and physical attraction to another and the excitement about that other person. It’s the, “I’m proud to be with this person who I love and I’m proud he/she is part of my life!” And it’s also the physical attractiveness, the beautiful sunshine in her smile and beautiful soft eyes and face. The softness of the skin and feeling of touch. All feelings toward another human being.

Intimacy, ROW even defines it in terms other than sex or sexual, as a feeling of close familiarity or feeling of friendship, but only euphemistically referred to as sex.

It’s NOT defined as sex at all! Even in ROW, it’s defined as a strong and barely controllable or compelling feeling or emotion, any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, such as love or hate. And it’s also the mystery, the excitement, and feelings of, about and in the midst of the physical sexual experience.

To know God — His sovereign power, His surprising mercy, His sacrificial love, His satisfying friendship — is to hold the keys to sexual purity, even in a sex-crazed society. Especially in a sex-crazed society. As we set our eyes and hearts above, “the love of Christ controls us” (2 Corinthians 5:14) and more and more, we “know how to control [our] own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust” (1Thessalonians 5:14).

We reject temptation like we know God. Good Sex Is About God. Knowing God alone will not only help us avoid sexual sin, however. We have allowed Satan to seize far too much real estate in the bedroom. Knowing God not only arms us against Satan; it lights the marriage bed on Holy fire.

After God made the first man and woman, but only after they sinned against God and were corrupted by Satan, God’s words to the couple were “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Enjoy one another. Have sex like you know God. Fill the earth with the fruit of your love for each other, procreate and multiply by the fruits of that union, your children!

Then raise those children staying committed to each other for them to also have the best chance for peace, serenity, happiness, and JOY in their adult lives as well.

If we gladly obey all that God has said about sex, within the promises of a covenant before God, he gives sex a depth the world has never known. In any given marriage, there may still be major challenges to overcome, because sex, like everything else, is part of the fabric of a sin-broken world.

I think and believe that sex is the basis of all evil in this world – all the neuroses and layers of evil, just as it is the basis of all good as well, for the children are products of a good, God-sanctioned marriage!! But if we have sex like we know God, sex is about so much more than the mechanics of intercourse. It’s about God — seeing God, hearing God, enjoying God’s Blessings.

As we count each other more significant than ourselves in marriage, outdoing each other in showing honor, we discover intimacy and a story so much more satisfying than all the other ways we’re tempted to use sex. We experience something better than what pornography and impurity, infidelity and adultery and perversion, ever promised us. One need only look at the supermarket tabloids to see what sexual perversion has wrought for Hollywood and Washington, DC!!

Sex between a husband and a wife who know and enjoy God anticipates heaven like very few things do. It leads to that spark of life, the children, as GOD intended, to be enjoyed by the young in the procreation and carrying on the human race. The feelings of exhilaration and excitement and fun!

But then we get older. We get to be seniors. We age and our bodies and the physical capacities decline – but the feelings of passion and intimacy still remain in a 4LIFE relationship and are replaced by closeness, warmth, affection and caring! Each giving to the other and not expecting anything in return. Each giving and receiving constantly filling each other’s daily life with tenderness and passion!

For God’s love means giving all to the other and not expecting anything in return! I used to think that a marriage or relationship was like a bridge over a river with the man and a woman standing on each side and a relationship was them meeting exactly halfway. I now know that that “halfway” was an expectation and that in a good relationship each partner should give by going all the way to the other side all the time, every time.

(4) Self-Love

Lastly, the cornerstone of love — “self-love.” The cornerstone of LOVE – self-love – the definition of self-love is having passion, tenderness, and commitment to oneself.

So, in reverse order and in an attempt to close our own individual circle of life, that started with the “self,” is self-commitment. In that self- commitment, a lifetime commitment to one-self, when the going gets tough, we don’t just check out. We face the pain of an obstacle and by our own choice continue on living. We don’t commit suicide and we don’t take the coward’s way out and sell our soul to Satan. We just suck it up and jump over that obstacle fence by grabbing our own bootstraps, as I’ve often said, by our own God-given freedom of choice because that is sometimes the hardest thing to do!

Self-tenderness is the recognition that we are human that we have our own limitations or foibles. That we can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound like superman. That we have good and bad days, have moods and ups and downs. Get angry laugh and cry. It’s that acceptance of our own limitations. Self-passion means that we as individuals, matter. Personal knowledge in our hearts that each of us matters! That one is proud of oneself, without hubris or ego, of who we are, or by own choice of what we’ve become! Its self-esteem, confidence coupled with peace of mind — self-respect.

4LIFE Theory All to close the circle of life and end back with the ONE and self again as a rainbow that seen from the right angle above shows a full circle of 360 degrees.

In closing our own circle of life, the circle of oneness with self that may be the hardest because we are human beings and are products of all that has gone before. All the experiences, pain, pleasure, horror inflicted first by parents, then by the rest of the world, our acquaintances, friends, good and evil.

And it is a circle that each of us, imperfect and flawed human beings that we are, cannot fully close and either Satan or the Lord will ultimately close for us!

4LIFE Theory Conclusion

So, we’re done! We have the full definition of 4LIFE! Any questions, readers?? I’d love your feedback!

Now that we’re done, I’ll ask again: are you readers any closer to a one-sentence statement of the simple equation: 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = 4LIFE????

I am and HAVE the 10-word, one-sentence statement…BUT I’m not going to give it away just yet!!

Readers, you all will just have to read my continuation novel, El Paso Sunset, a Novel by Louis Bodnar, to be published and launched in El Paso, Texas as well, by Morgan James Publishing in the Fall of 2020!!

……stay tuned……after all, the two novels taken together ARE also a grand and timeless story of personal transformation, passion, great love, friendship, and intimacy!!